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Reflections of suicide

The pain I feel when the one I love is hurting so much emotionally and mentally that they cannot hear it and that you cannot help.

The worry when calling home from work and getting no reply. The feeling of dread that he has attempted suicide again.

Telling myself I can’t keep rushing home because more often than not there’s a logical reason.

Trying to keep calm, not panicking.

Then that last traumatic year as his pain never recedes, there’s no relief for him and he starts to shut down totally.

The day I had just got on the bus home from work when I get a call saying “I’ve taken an overdose, it isn’t working”

The day I hear the dogs barking in the garage and open the door to find him unconscious on the sofa having taken an overdose again – my warning that the end was near. I knew it then although his words afterwards were “It was a mistake. I won’t ever do it again, it hurts you too much.”

The last kiss goodbye as I left the house for a rare Saturday morning in town with a friend.

The worry as I kept calling but getting no reply. Finally that last conversation when he says he isn’t well this morning and won’t join me for lunch.

Opening the front door and seeing him, not hanging there thank God, but sitting with the sash of my dressing gown round his neck.My offer to come straight home declined yet as I sit with my friend and chat over coffee, I am worried and cannot concentrate on our time together so I leave early. Willing the bus to move faster, stop less, just to get home.

He is asleep I think, another cry for help. But I can’t wake him and immediately I realise he has left our world.

I’m in shock

I’m devastated

Yet I know he is finally out of the emotional and mental pain he had suffered most of his life, that had become too hard to bear.

They want me to give him mouth to mouth. I can’t, I say but they don’t understand. I can’t because he is out of pain. I can’t because I must let him go. It’s his time to leave. His suffering is over.

Yet when the paramedic arrives and tries to resuscitate him, the older one realises I don’t want them too, yet when he asks if I want them to stop, I just can‘t get the words out. I can’t say yes.

So gently he rephrases his question, to help me give the answer I want.

And that is it.

I have nobody to be with me, to support me.

Mental health isolates not just the sufferer but the family too.

The police arrive, the lady from the coroner’s office. People are everywhere it seems.

“Who can we contact to come and be with you?”

“Nobody” I say

Finally its late afternoon, they leave. The dark night stretches relentlessly before me.

My dogs are anxious, worried. Of course they don’t understand but they know they need to be with me. They stay close, anxious faces looking to me for reassurance that I really don’t have the strength to give.

It’s just me now.

The next day is Sunday. The lady from the coroner’s office calls to see if I’m OK. That small but amazingly kind gesture is the key to my first tears.

Tears of grief, tears of sorrow, tears of isolation and aloneness, tears that I cannot share with anyone what has happened. Tears for what is no longer, tears for all that is lost, tears for my soulmate and the love of my life.

 

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NOTE: I watched a recent programme on BBC Life After Suicide which explored what drives people to suicide, I made some notes thinking that I needed to write something to show the side where one lives with the worry of someone who has attempted suicide many times, explaining the differences of those experiences with the ones in the TV programme, which had focused on unexpected suicides. However, the next evening the Universe decided that the above was needed to help others and work towards breaking the stigma around suicide. The words and style were channelled to me – and those who are spiritual will understand that. For others that means that although the emotions and thoughts what I had experienced and felt at the time, the words tumbled onto the paper and I could barely write fast enough to get them down . I haven’t changed anything that was given to me by my guides but they are very much the emotions and thoughts that I had to work through in the earlier years. Now, over six years on, I find joy in the memories I have. Yes sometimes sadness jumps up unexpectedly but anyone who has lost a partner or someone very close to them knows that is just as it should be. Just allow that sadness to come and be kind to yourself.

 

You can read more about how I created a new life in my article on Starting Afresh – My Personal Journey

Have we lost our creativity?

At the very core of our being is love, creativity and spontaneity. We enter this world with all three of these in great abundance and unfettered. But as we grow it seems to disappear so as adults, is it still there?

The answer is yes but as we begin to grow from baby to toddler, from toddler to young child the unconditional love, creativity and spontaneity start to be eroded and as adults we have often lost these great gifts to a lesser or greater degree.

“You mustn’t do that, it’s naughty” a parent tells us.

“You must do it this way” a teacher tells us

“You’ll get into trouble if you do that” says someone in authority

So we begin to stifle these wonderful gifts, start to become fearful, think twice about doing something.

Now this isn’t about criticising those teachers, parents or others in authority because as children we need that guidance and do need to learn boundaries. But if we can just think a little more about how we teach our children those boundaries, the rights and wrongs then perhaps we can preserve a little more of those wonderful gifts of unconditional love, creativity and spontaneity.

 

Let us Care

Let us care deeply about people

For each one of us is unique and different.

Let us value that uniqueness and love those differences

Let us not chastise or criticise people for thinking differently from us.

For it is their heritage and right.

Let us shed love, light and acceptance upon all the human race

So that we can move away from our pain and darkness.

For it is love that helps us to accept ourselves

It is light that allows us to become aware of our very being

And it is acceptance that makes us realise we don’t have to be perfect

We are loved for who we are not who we try to be

Dalai Lama Wisdom Quotes

Dr Karambu Ringera

Does love make a difference?

Building Ickenham Park
Creative Commons License photo credit: Justin Otto

This is a story of two builders – Fred and Harry. They both bought old properties on on a plot large enough for a pair of semis.

Fred applies for planning permission to build a pair of semi detached bungalows.  His planning takes a long while but he patiently waits but in due course planning permission is granted. He is ready and the old property is demolished.  Then slowly and steadily the new homes are built.  Anyone who watches sees the care and attention he puts into building them. He is a friendly fellow and will stop to chat with the neighbours, telling them what is happening.  The bungalows are up and now the finishing touches. He employs another workman to drop the curb: this guy takes the same care and attention to do this job properly – so much so that when he returfs the damaged grass verge he actually makes a better job than was there before. Fred hasn’t put in the cheapest windows but ones that enhance the bungalow. He then adds a burglar alarm and outside lights – not one but four to ensure the new owners are safe and that they don’t trip in the dark. Although he has allowed enough space on the drive for two cars, he still manages to put a small flower bed in at the front. But the recession has hit and it is hard to sell any property. So he rents them out but finally one and then the other is sold.  Both sets of new owners are delighted with their homes and comment how great the builder was in coming around to deal with a few minor problems.

Now Harry starts on demolished his old property even before planning permission has been granted. He wants get two semi detached chalet bungalows up as quickly as possible and get as much profit as he can – he doesn’t care about the properties – just how much money he can earn. It seems to the neighbours that within a few weeks they are finished and up for sale. Even though the market is still bad one does appear to have sold – let say property A. But the neighbours are confused because more and more cars seem to be parked outside and they start to use the drive of the unsold house. Then there is a problem and the road outside and drive has to be dug up. Harry isn’t happy with the new owners of property A using the other drive so he puts big concrete blocks over the entrance to stop them. A sold sign goes up on property B, then comes down. Another sold sign up, then it comes down and still the second property remains empty. Then as quickly as all the cars appeared outside property A, they disappear and the property is empty again. More builders move in, a skip arrives and scaffolding goes up on property A.

Two very different stories but in fact both sets of properties do exist. It just seems to to me that there was one fundamental thing that Fred did that Harry didn’t. And that was he built his properties with love and as a result all who worked on them and all who now live in them benefit from that love.  Sadly Harry didn’t realise this and his motivation was simply monetary – not an ounce of love. Even as you walk buy you can feel the warmth from Fred’s homes and the sadness from Harry’s home.

And who would you say came out of this best? No contest is there? In the longer term Fred is financially better off but he is also better off in other ways too – self worth and pleasure in building something he loved.

Coventina

Coventina is a powerful Celtic Goddess of Water, Rivers, Abundance, Inspiration, Purity and Prophecy. She appears to us with a message drink more water .  Water is a cleaners and purifier.  It heals and is nurturing.

Water will help to detoxify and cleanse your system. Coventina warns that your system may be clogged with chemicals and impurities which is why you should be drinking more water.  It may also be wise to eat more vegetarian foods.

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Louise Clare works from her home in Eastbourne, East Sussex as the healing space there is truly magical and relaxing.